Good Ol' Boys

GOBGB : Bubba and the Ten Foot Pole (#25)

ubba slogged through the knee-deep water carrying several slender saplings over one shoulder and his trusty axe in his free hand.

As he neared the edge of the swamp, he noticed his good friend LeRoy waiting in the yard for him.

As Bubba approached, LeRoy saluted his friend and asked, “What have you been up to?”

Bubba continued into the yard and unloaded the pile poles on the sawhorse near the old shed.

LeRoy quizzed, “You sure have a nice load of poles there, what are you gonna use ‘em for?”

Bubba was absorbed in his task at hand; he carefully placed the sharp axe back inside the entrance of the shed.

“I reckon they’d make some good poles for your fike nets,” offered LeRoy.

“Nope, they’re to thin, wouldn’t hold up against the wind and current,” answered Bubba.

LeRoy scratched his head, “well I give, what are they for?”

“Well I was talking with that fella down the road the other day, and the subject of that Mermaids place came up,” said Bubba.

LeRoy nodded and listened.

“Seems some time ago our elected officials came up with a whole set of rules to set the place straight,” continued Bubba.

“Never heard of any problems from down there myself,” observed LeRoy.

“I ain’t heard of nothing going on down there myself. But you know, politicians always have to be lookin’ out for their flock,” noted Bubba.

“Ah so you figure this to be a manufactured problem?” asked LeRoy.

“Precisely, rather than address honest to god problems we have, they go off chasing these imagined problems,” Bubba said getting a bit agitated.

He continued, “so, one of the rules is that the gals dancin’ in there can’t be no closer than ten feet to the gentlemen patrons of the establishment.”

LeRoy pondered for a while, “How do you reckon they came up with the 10 foot rule?”

Bubba replied pointedly, “I dunno how they came to that specific number. The best I can figure is they just pulled the number off the top of their head - a red rasraspberry number as one of my old math teachers called it.”

“Now that’s what a Raleigh Lawyer would call arbitrary and capricious,” said LeRoy - proud that he could pull those fifty-cent words out like that.

Bubba laughed and continued, “well, I know the length from the tip of my nose to the tip of my index finger is about 3 feet. That’s right helpful in measuring net twine and rope.”

LeRoy nodded in agreement and replied, “yep, I reckon you do have a point there.”

Bubba went on, “so I reckon if two people stand apart and touch the tips of their fingers, they are about 6 feet apart. Wouldn’t you say?”

LeRoy nodded in agreement and waited for Bubba’s next point. Silence followed, and LeRoy prompted, “so how do you account for the extra 4 feet?”

Bubba raised his eyebrows, “well, I guess they just wanted to make sure there weren’t no funny business going on.”

LeRoy proffered, “wouldn’t 7 feet or 8 feet work? or even 9 feet, that’s 3 yards - a nice even measurement.”

“Now you know, that would make too much sense. Remember you’re dealing with bureaucrats - they survive on complexity,” observed Bubba.

LeRoy laughed at his friend’s observation, adding, “nope I tell ya what it is, it’s typical of politicians to make sure they’re the only ones gettin’ frisky and no one else is having any fun.”

Bubba cut in, “the real issue is, they don’t want anyone else doin’ the screwin’ ‘cept themselves”

Both Bubba and LeRoy nearly busted a rib laughing at that observation.

As the laughing faded, LeRoy continued, “OK so what’s with the poles?”

Bubba answered, “well I figure I can do my part to stop the moral decline in our community by supplying the sheriff with a batch of precision cut ten foot poles - that’ll make it easy for everyone to abide by the law.”

“Yeah? How do you figure” asked LeRoy.

Bubba replied, “it’s simple. Everyone going in will have to get a 10 foot pole, and observe then observe proper protocol when tipping or approaching them gals.”

LeRoy scratched his head, and wrinkled his brow, before asking, “maybe them politicians need one of your poles?”

Bubba stared at his friend with a blank look on his face, “how do you figure?”

LeRoy explained, “well, if they have to stay ten feet from the voters and everyone, that’ll cut down on them screwin’ the public!”

Bubba busted into laughter with his good friend.

• Next week: What’s all the commotion?

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© 2006 NE NC News.